Gratitude Day 585

Matthew 6:14 – If you forgive others for the wrongs, they do to you, your Father in heaven will forgive you.

For years, I held onto something for dear life.

I wanted it SO BAD. I’d been convinced for YEARS that it would happen. My day would come. It would happen.

But it didn’t.

I held on to the dream, the desire, the anticipation that things would change. This would happen. For me. To me. With me.

But it didn’t.

It’s hard to let a dream go when it’s so much a part of your very being. You’ve dreamed about it. Made plans about it. Anticipated it. And knew that it would be the best thing every.

But it didn’t happen. Instead, I was left holding an empty dream that would never come true.

Yes, there were difficult conversations. Someone, a pastor no doubt, even told me that the situation would change. My dream would come true. I just needed to be patient.

But it didn’t.

Instead, my dream died. Slowly at first. I still anticipated that maybe, just maybe, this dream would come true.

But it didn’t.

Did I blame God for this not happening? I don’t think I blamed God. What I really wanted was God to change the situation so it could happen. Take God’s magic paint brush and redo the painting, including the things that I wanted in the picture.

But it didn’t happen.

God and I had plenty of conversations about it. If it wasn’t going to happen, then why was my desire so strong? Just eliminate it God, I said. If this is the way it’s going to be, so be it. Just take away my feelings that I really, really, really want this.

But it didn’t happen.

Until it did.

For too many years, I waited and waited for it to happen. Things didn’t change. Instead, there came a point when it became abundantly clear that I was going down a path that would guarantee it wouldn’t happen. I still struggled and wanted so much for it to change. I yearned for the situation to be different.

But it didn’t happen.

Yes, I’m ashamed to admit how much time and energy I put into this. I kept thinking that God would and could change the situation. I held onto every little glimmer of hope.

But it didn’t happen.

I’m in a much better space today. I’ve reconciled this situation with myself and God. Eventually, I moved on from it. And yes, it took a while. Years, in fact. But eventually, I was able to.

Now, it no longer monopolizes my thoughts, energy, attention and time. Yes, I think about it every once in a while. But I could do so without it turning my day upside down.

I know that my situation may not have been as dramatic as another’s challenge. But this was my situation. I was the one dealing with the emotions, pain and hurt. For me, it WAS a big deal. It was my deal. I knew God wasn’t going to swoop in and simply fix it, no matter how many times I asked God to. I felt silly asking for this and when it was no longer possible, I asked God to remove my desire.

I have talked very little about this situation with others in my life. It’s just too painful. And embarrassing. This would cause a great deal of hurt and so, it’s basically stuck with me. Over time, I have let it go. I think I’m good with God about this.

All the time this was happening, I kept active with my job. I poured my heart and should into those things around me. I put on the happy face and kept going … even when my heart and mind were so incredibly sad.

I don’t have a bullet-proof way to getting rid of the disappointment, pain and hurt. I do know that I had to sit with it for quite awhile before I could. And when I was finally able to release this boulder, I knew that I could move on with my life. God and I would be OK. We’d move on. I could still count on God. I wasn’t ready to give up on God.

If there’s a boulder in your life that occupies a chunk of your time and energy, think about whether it’s time to let it go. Will it dramatically change everything? Probably not. But restoring and making sure your relationship with God is OK must happen.

You know what the boulder is, even if no one else does. Can you sit with it today? Let it feel heavy in your life. Let it take up space and real estate and challenge. And then, when you’ve sat with it long enough, begin the process of letting it go. It won’t happen in one setting. And that is OK.

But at least begin to let it go. And see what happens.

For boulders that can and have been released, I am grateful.

Blessings –

Dianne

Dear God – I’m sorry that all too often, I blame you for these things that haven’t happened as I would have preferred. Help me find space to begin to let it go. I’m counting on You to help me get through this. Amen.

Stop by diannedeatonvielhuber on Instagram today for a few more thoughts about today’s Lenten topic.

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